I'm ready to be doing something; something different and soulful and genuine. But I'm having a hard time, because I'm scared.
I left my "regular" life/job in November, to embark on a new journey.
I sense with a great surety that I'm supposed to be here, in this moment. I've consulting my spiritual guides and tool kits, and I've been given the high sign to invest in my true self, my higher purpose.
 | I've been through a crucible of transformation; a ferocious tempering forge, from the events of the last few years. |
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Through deep conversations with Fear, and the counsel of my spirit teachers, I've been taught great lessons about mastery; that control is an illusion, and the only true protection is to choose "right action", and dance the dance of my life with the impeccability of a warrior.
 | I've been shown by the beautiful Power Deck tarot how doubt destroys intuition, and how creativity needs a garden in which to thrive. |
 | Dagaz, the rune of transformation, and The Blank Rune, the rune of the Unknowable, have counseled me accept nothing less from myself than an empty-handed leap into the void. |
 | From Carlos Castenada writings, I have learned that there comes a time, when you are truly prepared, that you look upon the great book of your life. The page on the left is filled with the gifts of your life experience. Filled with training. Filled with learning. Filled with experiences and guidance and strength and discipline and techniques and skills. This page represents your "reason". |
And the page on the right -- the next page -- is blank. This page is your "will". And to truly step into one's power, one has to leave the left page behind. To own it, accept it, appreciate it, breathe it in. And then to breathe it out, let it go, and leap.
I think this is where I am. I'm staring at the book. The left page is full.
Do I have enough? Enough tools? Enough experience? Enough skills? Enough mastery?
Enough money?
What if I can't do it? What if I'm a failure? What happens if I have nothing to show for all of my efforts?
What if this exercise brings me ruin?
There is no way to decide that one has "enough". In the end, it's not about having enough of anything.
I think it's about deciding where to place one's trust. Trust takes courage.
I think this is how a fledgling hawk feels when it no longer fits in its parents' nest.
I'm going to trust that I'll learn to fly.
Thank you. I love this.
ReplyDeleteIt's an honor to share. Thanks for stopping by.
ReplyDeleteEnough is a tricky concept. As a culture we seem to always want to grasp for more-- we want to hoard against the day that food is thin on the ground. I think it's natural not to understand "enough" on an instinctual level. But I'd like to think that we've moved beyond instinct, that we can understand at least intellectually when we have enough.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'd also like to believe we can teach ourselves to trust that the universe will provide-- but it's a hard lesson to learn. Remember the fable of the grasshopper and the ant? We're trained from an early age to stock up against the worst that could happen, instead of letting go and reaching for joy.
I hope we both find a soft landing on the other side.
Are you still thinking of success, ruin, failure, etc. in the world's terms? You have already succeeded in some rather challenging lessons through trusting the messages you were given and working your way through the process. And you have already shown courage in following the messages and letting them take you wherever they led. So, build on what you have already accomplished, trust yourself and the Universe, courage (to have heart) you already have in abundance. You are already flying!!! Look down and enjoy the view and the ride!
ReplyDeleteAmalia T, I agree. We're programmed into thinking the world is "filled with scarcity", if you will forgive the oxymoron. I am increasingly convinced that such programming is responsible for a great deal of suffering in the world.
ReplyDeleteJoAnn, thank you for the very astute observation, and in so many ways you are SO right. I will indeed look down and enjoy the view. And the ride. That perspective might be an essential part of the next stage of my life, and the "success" I'm seeking. At the moment, I think to do as you suggest might give me vertigo. Wow. Yeah. As I do it, I get butterflies in my stomach. Quite a powerful pearl of wisdom, it seems.
Perhaps with practice I will learn to trust my wings, and not fear the currents of the wind.
Thanks, guys!
Keep writing and sharing John. You inspire me - I hope to join you soon.
ReplyDeleteHi Renee! Can't wait. Let us know when you're up!
ReplyDeleteJ,
ReplyDeleteAs always, for the past ?? years, you certainly inspire me to think. You've scared me a few times too. When we look at the bridge, not only can one move in either direction, but if one walks across the uneven, rocky railings, one little slip can mean a quick, untimely view of Cascadilla. But hey, if you can climb the drainpipe three stories up UH4, what's so scary about walking on the stone railings over a gorge? Unless of course, one fears heights as I do.
Perhaps a couple years ago, I read the biography from the school project. I found it very interesting. Please thank the author for writing it. The resemblance between the subject and author was striking. Congratulations. :)
Some parts of the biography I knew, some I didn't, and some didn't mesh with my memories. Maybe I am getting old and my memories are playing cruel games.
Be well my friend throughout your life's journey.
Best Wishes.
Hey Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteYou got me going here...I'm not sure what biography you're talking about, and whether I'm in a position to thank the author...
Perhaps I too am getting old, and my memories are hiding. Can you give me a few more clues to where they might be? A name? I get the UHall4 drainpipe reference, so we must know one another...
My interest is piqued!